Not long ago I was talking to a divorced friend who told me how she and her dad were out walking and discussing the challenges of finding love after 50. My friend is generally optimistic, but when it comes to dating she’s somewhat skeptical about falling in love again.
At some point on their walk, a woman walked towards them, smiling as she passed by. Her father commented that she looked like she was “eager to greet the day!”.
I asked my friend what her dad meant. He had said that she was "dressed up like she wanted to look good, seemed confident and upbeat, she had makeup on, and wore these really fun long earrings. She smiled and looked at us and, I don’t know, she just looked happy to be there.”
I was taken by his words “eager to greet the day!”, and just how positive and intentional it sounded. How many of us leave our house with that kind of spirited vigor? Instead, don’t lots of people merely “meet” the day? … and do those people still end up finding love?
I have no idea if this woman was single or not but, as a dating coach, it made me think of all the fabulous single women I work with and wonder how often they project this sort of inner vitality? I know it matters because it’s what signals to the world that we’re available- not just to be approached, but to approach. We NEED to emit this energy when we’re looking for love; it’s the magic that literally pulls people to us.
When going out with friends you probably go to great lengths to be the best version of yourself. You dress the part, your makeup and hair look good; you feel upbeat in anticipation of all the good things that may come your way that night. You might even visualizing meeting someone and how you would like it to go. According to Shawn Achor, award-winning Harvard professor for his research on happiness, you are priming your brain towards a more positive set point.
Knowing there’s a possibility of meeting someone affects how you act, even when you’re unsure about the outcome. Generally, when you’re excited about a date, you prepare to make a great impression in the hope that love develops. Yet, as I thought about all this, what struck me was how much effort we all put into getting ready for a date, but so often go “off duty” during the everyday parts of life.
Going to the grocery store, putting gas in the car, doing business at the bank, post office or Target… these are all everyday things you do that put you in front of other singles. Why don’t you look (and more importantly ACT) the part then?
Stepping off the curb back into the dating world can be daunting. But, a woman who is serious about finding love doesn’t just hope to meet him someday; she knows she might meet him ANY day so she prepares for it by looking her best, acting with intention, connecting with others.
You won’t always have days like this, but you can plan to have them- just like we plan to have a good time on a date. If you’re going to find the right person, you have to be the right person.
The truth of the matter is, being intentional lets you be in charge of the direction of your life. Your everyday behavior should reflect how you imagine yourself in a relationship. This above all else can determine whether or not there will be a second glance in your direction.
Something as simple as a smile can have a huge positive impact on your brain, and affect how other people perceive you. “What you see is what you get” is the gut level belief that we all share when deciding whether to approach someone, or walk the other direction.
Think about it.
The one thing you need to do to attract your “Plus 1” is to “eagerly greet the day!” with a positive attitude that connects you with others. Here are some tips to help you embody the vitality that keeps you open and ready to recognize love- and receive it- when it comes your way.
- When you wake up in the morning, and go to bed at night, take a couple of minutes to visualize yourself deeply in love, feeling joyful and happy to be alive.
- Start your day with the intention of making it positive, and do what feels good to get you there- from singing in the shower to taking a brisk walk, or eating a delicious breakfast.
- Check in with yourself throughout the day to gain awareness of how you’re doing, and change direction if you’re beginning to slump.
- Make eye contact and smile, creating a world of connection and belonging. You will be naturally maximizing your brain’s ability to rewire itself in positive ways through new behavior and thinking.
Adopting these new behaviors and ways of thinking isn’t “to get the guy”- it’s to be your best, most positive version of you that’s approachable, and unafraid to approach. Though, it just may happen that you do “get the guy”!
Dr. Sue Mandel is a psychologist and dating coach who specializes in relationships and the psychobiology of love. She brings 27 years of unique experience helping individuals and couples find and keep love in their lives. To schedule your FREE 20-minute consultation contact her at firstname.lastname@example.org.