Dr. Sue's Dating Advice Blog

Valentine’s Day is filled with meaning for everyone who cares about love. Often, it’s our relationship status that dictates how we approach the holiday. Like me, your cynical side (maybe rational side?) probably speaks to you about how it’s all media hype; that somehow buying into it is being herded like sheep all the way to your Visa account.

Being single in this love-crazed mentality makes it difficult to feel anything other than disheartened, lonely, and even embarrassed. But being in the wrong relationship is much worse, and we can all be subject to the “grass is always greener” state of mind. So if you have found your way out of a bad marriage or relationship there is a lot to celebrate.

What we all really want is to be in a truly loving relationship--and that is not only possible, it’s probable if you do what it takes.

It all starts with a kiss.

We’ve all been there. You meet a guy that you really like, the first couple of dates are great, and you can’t wait for that first kiss. But when it happens it’s awful (sometimes really, REALLY awful). But while you’re frustrated and disappointed, you’re not ready to give up on him yet. As a dating coach to women over 40, I have numerous happily coupled women who did exactly what I'm about to share with you. 

in the early stages of getting to know someone new, while trying to get through sticky moments (i.e., he gives you a passionate hug and his unintentional body language gives away just how much he likes you!), it's tempting to give in to your fears and let someone who might have been your true love leave your universe.But, regardless of who you end up falling in love with, you won’t get there without a few misfires. So don't give up too quickly.

Not long ago I was talking to a divorced friend who told me how she and her dad were out walking and discussing the challenges of finding love after 50. My friend is generally pretty optimistic, but when it comes to dating she’s pretty skeptical about falling in love again.

Everyone has a theory about why they are still single over 50.  Challenging past relationships, poor role models and even too few fish in the proverbial dating pond top the answers that most of my clients give. Trying to flesh out the real culprit sends lots of people to the self-help aisle and many more to therapy.

But for a question like this, you don’t have to pay your shrink thousands of dollars if you can embrace one simple concept.  The real reason why you’re single won’t be found in another person, it will be found inside of you.  

Women often ask me why it’s so hard for them to find true love? As a therapist for many years (and more recently as a dating coach) I have observed that there are quantifiable differences between women who find true love easily versus those who struggle. The truth is the experience of being single isn’t hard for everyone. Some women embrace it, love it even. Yet others want desperately to change it. And it’s that desperation that causes them to feel frustrated, critical and pessimistic.

The good news is that you don’t have to stay this way. The “secret” about how to find true love is inside of you. It all starts in your head. What you think about always seems to follow it’s way around to your heart. In other words, what you think about will manifest itself in how you feel. Change your thinking and your feelings will follow.