Women often ask me why it’s so hard for them to find true love? As a therapist for many years (and more recently as a dating coach) I have observed that there are quantifiable differences between women who find true love easily versus those who struggle. The truth is the experience of being single isn’t hard for everyone. Some women embrace it, love it even. Yet others want desperately to change it. And it’s that desperation that causes them to feel frustrated, critical and pessimistic.
The good news is that you don’t have to stay this way. The “secret” about how to find true love is inside of you. It all starts in your head. What you think about always seems to follow it’s way around to your heart. In other words, what you think about will manifest itself in how you feel. Change your thinking and your feelings will follow.
Here are my 11 mindset shifts that will change how you feel about being single. When you behave with these attitudes in mind, experience shows that it is exponentially easier to find true love and leave being single behind for good.
- She’s optimistic. Ask yourself who is more likely to find true love- an upbeat person who is open to new possibilities and expects good things to happen, or somebody who expects- and prepares for- the worst. Men are drawn to optimistic women because it feels good to be around them. Their sunny disposition makes men feel good about themselves.
Optimism isn’t necessarily a trait we’re born with, although some people are lucky enough to have a “happy” gene that gives them an edge. Science has shown that we can all become optimistic. When we look for good things to happen, and expect that they will, we actually create our own “luck”. Optimistic women see positive qualities in potential partners that more cynical, or downbeat women often miss or brush aside.
- She has pride in her life as it is. In their search for true love, successful women communicate a sense of pride in themselves. They walk with their heads held high and a spring in their step. They appear approachable and engaged to the people around them. Women who are pleased with themselves express inviting messages verbally and nonverbally through having realistic expectations, being more easily satisfied and less demanding, and they are able to take delight and find humor in life.
So often, as young girls we’re taught to hide our strengths, accomplishments, or pleasure in who we are so that we don’t appear “conceited” or “full of ourselves”. Part of what makes genuine self-worth so appealing is that when you feel good about yourself you’re able to feel good about others as well.
- She is NOT ashamed about being single. Successful women in love don’t equate self-worth with relationship status. She is her own person and lives a life of abundance. She is neither resigned to being single nor hiding her pain by touting the benefits of not being “tied down”. Simply stated, being single doesn’t define her, either positively or negatively, it is just another characteristic about her personality, like being 5’6” tall or living in Nebraska.
Although she wants to be in a relationship, she’s not obsessed about it in social situations, which leaves her free to enjoy others and what she is doing. This woman is a natural guy-magnet because she doesn’t need a man to define her or make her happy. She’s already there and the right man can come into her life and complement her, not complete her.
- She values her limited time as a single person because she knows that it won’t last forever. She’s confident that someday in the not-too-distant future she will find true love. She’s not weighed down with a “ticking clock” in her head and sincerely believes that this is a special, unique time in her life because sooner or later, things will become more complicated. The right guy will make his way into her life and then her choices about how she spends her time will not be hers alone. So she embraces being single like a kid away at college; she knows it’s a special time to do what she wants so she takes full advantage of it, feeling delighted and excited along the way.
- She takes advantage of all that being single offers in terms of time and lifestyle choices. Instead of sitting around feeling bad about her single status, successful women enjoy all the perks of being single: spending time they way they want to without having to think of anyone else. If she wants to eat dinner at 9pm, she can. She’s not accountable to anyone for her lifestyle except herself.
When I first lived on my own I recall the thrill of staying up all night if I wanted to because “I could!”. That freedom was exhilarating. Before having the responsibilities that come with a relationship (much less marriage and a family) these women live according to their own schedule in ways that they please them- and loving it even more because they know that it won’t last forever!
- She tells people she trusts that she is looking to find true love. One of the most attractive traits of successful women is that they can connect closely with others, and feel comfortable revealing themselves and what matters to them. Because there is mutual trust in her friendships, she doesn’t fear rejection or judgment. This allows her to openly express what she wants and allows her to comfortably ask and accept help from those she trusts.
She knows that love doesn’t appear magically; it won’t come knocking on her door. She can wait, hoping to bump into Mr. Right somewhere (assuming, of course, that she recognizes him)... OR she can be proactive and pursue love like she would pursue anything else of value that she wants in her life.
This mindset is very important in romantic relationships because a woman with this quality as a single person doesn’t experience her needs with a sense of shame; they are part of her and she walks into every relationship understanding that there are mutual needs at play, and she treats her partner’s needs with equal respect and value.
- She accepts with gratitude introductions to other singles. When people go out of their way to introduce her to single men, this lady graciously accepts the gesture. She sees that it takes effort for people to think of her in this special way. More importantly, she knows that people don’t have to go out of their way to think of her love life.
This woman is aware, and grateful that there are special people in her life who think of her even when she doesn’t know it; to whom she matters and who want to see her happy. Because of this, when someone says to her, “I know this guy…” she doesn’t feel dread at the idea of being introduced to a stranger. Instead, she’s thankful that someone else is looking out for her and she is curious about who the guy is and wants to continue the conversation to see if there’s potential.
- She participates at singles events (for example, tries to catch the bouquet at a wedding). This woman knows that to find true love, she has to embrace every opportunity that comes her way. And even better, she wants to have fun through the process. She’s not about to hide or sit on the sidelines at singles events. She wants to be involved, meet the other singles and enjoy her life. Her attitude is, “why bother if I’m not going to participate?”
This trait speaks to her pride, her feelings of self-worth and her overall outlook on life. Ask yourself this: what’s more attractive, a woman who is ashamed to admit she’s single and doesn’t try to catch the bouquet, or a woman who gets up there, giggles with her friends and jumps high in the air showing the world she’s serious about two things: finding love AND having fun.
- She loves her life today the same way she would IF and WHEN she finds true love. This woman is living her life; she’s not waiting to take trips, have experiences or do things until her “Mr.” comes along. She defines her life; her life doesn’t define her. Successful women are fully engaged. She doesn’t believe that life starts with the birth of their relationship, and it’s in the process of living life that she meets the people who can help bring change about. It could be the neighbor up the street who invites her to a picnic and introduces her to a great guy or a co-worker she’s friendly with who has a brother moving to town and thinks they’d get along. Her motto is: I live and life happens.
- She takes care of herself - body, mind, and spirit. This woman knows that the true motivator to live a good life has to always come from within. Her commitment to her own health and well-being are there regardless of the relationships she’s in. She’s healthy so that SHE can feel good; she’s not “healthy” in order to please a man. This personal self-commitment is incredibly powerful later in a relationship when so often people let themselves go. The dance that was done in order to attract a man isn’t a one time event for this woman, it’s a life-long commitment to herself to live a healthy lifestyle. The man who falls in love with her can trust that the woman he fell in love with is here to stay; she’s not performing bait and switch to land a guy.
- Finally, she acts every day like the woman she will be when she’s in a relationship. There’s a consistency to this woman that goes beyond the gym or her attitude about health/wellness. As an authentic woman looking for love, she isn’t an “as if” person who behaves the way she wants a man to see her- only to drop the facade when she “catches” him.
A successful woman searching for love IS the real person - what you see is what you get. If she’s giving, she’ll give to whomever is in her life; it’s the ACT of giving that is pleasurable, not just seeing a smile on a man’s face. If she’s a natural teacher, she will find a way to teach. Same thing with being a natural doer or a natural listener. Whatever traits she embraces, the person on the inside doesn’t go away when love graces her doorstep.
These 11 traits are the core-values successful single women embrace on their path to find true love. Some of them may require a little work at times, but overall a woman looking to find love knows that her mindset about love demands that she love and respect herself above everyone else. For her, the lesson about putting the oxygen mask on herself first is intuitive; she knows that she’s only as good to others as she is to herself.
If you’re trying to find true love and having a hard time, the real culprit may not be your dating pool, it may be your attitude. Try out these 11 mindsets and see where you get stuck. If you need help, don’t hesitate to ask.
As a therapist and dating coach for many years, I help women shift their dating mindset away from scarcity and into abundance. There are millions of men out there- don’t let the fear of being single keep you from finding love. To learn more about my coaching practice, click the the links above or visit www.drsuesconnections.com.